six years

i guess birthdays are celebrated for the those who have reached that year and watch them grow.
today was my first son isaac's birthday.
i can't believe he would have been six today.

no matter how much time has passed, i will never forget that time with him.  those short three hours he lived and then left. 

there is so much to say about that night, or before he was born or after he passed but putting it all into actual words is sometimes difficult for me. 

every year i have tried to plan something to remember him if it's just as a tiny family or with a few other family members.  we have planted a lemon tree in arizona for him one year, i've helped out at hospitals, made blankets for babies in the hospitals, had my friend who also lost her daughter - we went out to dinner together one year... so this year i wanted to do something thinking out of the box.

i picked jackson up from his friend's house and then we drove to oceanside.  we found some flowers off the side of the road and brought them to a local cemetery.  it was such a beautiful night.  such a somber feeling as jackson and i were mostly alone in this large space of land full of people who have been there for over a century all the way to just buried today.  the feeling i get whenever i visit a cemetery is mostly a lot of love. similar to airports.  its a bunch of emotions all in a organized space where people visit their loved ones.

we tried to give all the children in the baby section a flower. jackson handled it really well.  i explained to him some babies only lived a few days or a few hours or only a few years.  he carefully placed a flower on their tiny headstones.  i think at this age of four, he will start remembering things from his past as he gets older.  i have a feeling he will remember this night.


i saved the white flower for the brother and sister who died at the same time a year after they were born; buried right next to each other.


when we buried isaac, our close family and friends received a white rose to throw into the ground before that 3ft. deep rectangle of dirt was covered.  since then, when i see a white rose, i think of isaac.

since isaac has been buried in arizona, my friend brought flowers to his gravesite and sent me a picture.  the grass has grown completely over that space that once was brown.  i am grateful for my clear understanding that just his tiny body has been left here.

before we left, jackson said "goodnight babies."
on the drive to dinner, jackson asked me how to get to heaven.
he asked me why all those babies died and if they missed their mommies and daddies.

we drove up to san clemente to grab food to go but decided to eat it there at guichos.  that food is incredible! its for sure a hidden best kept secret of san clemente.  their tortellini is the best but their grilled shrimp salad with lemon dressing is right up there.  we had a candle for little isaac and 6 gummy sharks.  we didn't sing happy birthday but we knew it was for jack's big brother.

after that we met some friends for a bonfire down the street. jackson let me hold him as i carried him back to the car.  he asked me more about isaac.  when we got home and ready for bed, jackson said the longest and sweetest prayer i have ever heard him say.  he talked about Jesus Christ and how grateful he is for having him come to the earth to die for our sins so we can live with isaac again.

the years of celebrating his birthday are becoming easier but there isn't a day goes by that i don't think of him.  i am grateful for isaac and even grateful for this trial as i have learned so much as well as maybe jackson learning more about life's meaning at his small age.