birthday

today is my first son isaac's birthday. i always know the numbers of 09.01. as isaac's day and when it's coming, i find a pit in my stomach to be the most common physical ache. i find myself thinking of what he would be up to each year, how he would look, what color his eyes would be, how many freckles by now he has collected on his cheeks, if his sweetness would still abide with each growing year, if he would be able to walk at this age or still be handicap. i wonder if i would still be the same mother that i am now. i wonder if i would be more patient, more loving, more giving, more kind, more tender, a better listener. it seems the lessons i would learn daily of taking care of isaac would be endless; so at times i feel like i have catching up to do.

this year, he would have been seven. seven. my favorite number. i am in unbelief that i, my 26-year-old self, would have a seven-year-old. does that say teen pregnancy or what?! i forget at times how quickly i have had to grow in wisdom but often reminded that i am not all that wise yet. almost more than normal, those reminders of what i need to learn or how i can be better itch at me.

i miss him so.