never forget

my heart is full.  
sometimes i like to spill my heart into words to help shape my feelings into something tangible or maybe audible or most likely visual; however words are digested differently for each individual person.  for me it is the best way to help me organize my thoughts, my true desires and my intent.  
tonight i couldn't sleep without sharing what has been on my mind as of late.
not many people know what has been going on and i don't think i need to shout from a rooftop what the situation; nor do i plan on sharing any specifics.  i think i just need to get it all out.

i recently read this quote that had me reflecting...
"...if life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most."
-dieter uchtdorf

i love that.
in the midst of a challenge, i can forget to find the good.
remember what makes me laugh.
i have in the past, forgotten my true nature and that is to be positive.

there is a story that strikes me often as of late. 

i love being a mother.
i am grateful to be a mother. 
i am grateful for my indiviudal experiences of getting to know both of my sons.
they are so different from one another.
one experience is a part of my past but still lives on in my future and 
the other is my present time and near future.
they both bring me unimaginable joy.

i can say with a full knowledge that my first experience was not easy but it was worth it.
what i remember of isaac in those several months he grew in my tummy, i think of his playful spirit, i think of his little body growing unlike other babies should but how my love for him was no different than if he grew physically normal like other babies would have.  i think of the many ultrasounds i went to on a weekly basis that i had the opportunity to see his beautiful face, his full lips, his pug nose and his personality he would display.  i longed for those opportunities to have somewhat of a window into his world.  

when he came, though it be only for a short amount of time on this earth, they were moments that continue to play in my storage of memories in slow motion.  those thirty-something hours of painful laboring were quickly erased, and then replaced with only a few short hours of pure bliss.  the words other mothers had told me about how you never understand the infinite capacity of love you can have for another until you hold your brand new baby in your arms; all made perfect sense.  they were right. such a small little body could capture my heart and hold on to it forever.  how i wanted to be his mother for longer but that wasn't the plan.  he had to teach me something.  or maybe he had to teach me a lot of somethings.
either way, i knew i had to be humble to learn it.
from what i have gathered so far, he has taught me what long suffering is.
he taught me what the meaning of patience is.
he taught me infinite love.
he taught me endurance.
he taught me what it is like to be a mother for the first time.
he taught me God-like love.
he taught me the meanings of sacrifice.
he taught me how to find peace amongst the sadness.
with all of these gathered teachings, i am continually learning from isaac's example.

he would have been eight just weeks ago.  
it was really important for me to visit his grave to wish him a happy birthday this year.
it is a surreal feeling to step out of your car and walk around a cemetery. 
especially a baby cemetery.
 you see names and dates of children only living a day, to a week, to a month, to a few years; 
all resting in one place, sharing the same dirt that holds all the other bodies to rest.

seeing where isaac's grave was couldn't have been more exciting.
his name, the memories of him, the moments from his funeral all flooded my thoughts.
my eyes swelled up with the saltiest and warmest tears i've made in a while.  
those sad feelings are replaced with happy feelings, knowing with a surety that everything is going to be alright. 

we ran to the closest store, only to find him a plant (no flowers) but it was an angel plant.
i placed a candle that would have been in his cake into this plant.  
brady made a paper airplane with the number eight on it.
jack set up army men because he wanted to give isaac a toy on his birthday.  
he set them up carefully making sure the ones that could stand, would stand.

we wished him a "happy birthday"  
it was such a precious moment i hope i never forget. 
isaac has been a blessing to me. 
he has reminded me how fragile life is.
how each day we are given is a gift.
he has taught me to find what the meaning of loving a 
child is and how to be able to see no end of this love. 

i walked past jack's room tonight, peeked inside and had to go in and kiss him goodnight.
i tried to pick him up to rock him graciously but his 55+ pounds is basically half of me and didn't go as planned.  his head and legs were falling out of my shaking arms but i did it.
i held him close to me with a prayer in my heart - so full.
just like that book "i'll love you forever"...
i rocked him back and forth, back and forth.

as repetitive as this sounds, i am so grateful to be a mother.
it is the great calling any woman can be given.

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