as i started to look through my pictures i have been taking the past few weeks, i noticed so many gaps, not many pictures of jackson and nothing too interesting.  in a smaller amount of words, my life has changed significantly lately.  when you have someone or something as a constant or a significant part of your everyday life, when it leaves, i have found for myself that a part of me leaves with them.  my daily routines have shifted to a new phase.  

for example, i would wake up, go straight to jackson's room, wake him up softly, make him breakfast, set out his toothbrush with toothpaste on it, make sure his backpack is packed properly, have his clothes laid out for him from the night before even down to his socks and shoes, get jack a towel for his shower, make his breakfast and get him in the car.  
what has been replaced is just everything i did sans the jack routine but getting out of bed at this current time isn't that easy.  i don't have a little person to take care of, who depends on me to make sure he wakes up with limitless amounts of positive encouragement; especially because he isn't a morning person. it's almost like those weekends or sometimes weeks he would be gone have been put on repeat. those weekends and weeks that he would be gone would take me the entire amount of time he was gone to adjust to.  as any mother is familiar with, you learn to put your children first.  you leave the house without mascara because you were consumed with your child that morning, you sometimes wear your shirt wrinkly because your time was prioritized with your child first, then you.  the past six and a half years, i have only known to put jackson first and allowed that standard to guide my schedule.  

the first week of him gone wasn't easy whatsoever. 
each day seemed so long.
i cried in three hour increments.
i would cry at commercials, when driving by his 
school or going to the places we use to go to daily.

i slept with jackson's boo every night and his favorite blanket.
people would call, write me letters, send me texts about how they are loosing sleep, crying themselves over this whole situation.  it's amazing to see a whole city grieve over the loss of a sweet little boy. 
i would run into people i hardly knew, and they would breakdown saying they heard it from a friend of a friend.

 i was looking for ways or things to do that wouldn't make the time move so slowly or so sadly. these crying spurts happened anywhere and everywhere.  

i have tried to talk to him everyday. so grateful for technology. 

he is reading me a book here. 

all this new time...
friends of mine asked me to make their kids valentines surprise heart balls.  that kept me busy. their friends asked me to do the same for their kids. friends of mine asked me to help them make their kids valentines.
santa monica stairs kept me busy too.
i did them twice as much as i have ever tried.  
...and too this mom holding her baby in her carrier pushed me a little more.
i was with brady so much more, which is always so nice.
people told me they wanted to get together but the first 
week really was hard for me to be around from anyone else except my close family and brady.
laguna beach dressed itself up for valentines day month, 
so i went on a few walks around town when i was working. 

brady put together his own PVC piped guns for marshmallow fights in our near future.
he made four of them. 

1 lovely notes:

Smykolandia said...

Well. I undestand it's hard. When my son goes away on a holidy without me I think that I lost somebody. I have too much time. As you wrote - child first.


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