silver-lined heart swelling

while i was waiting in line the other day, i saw a child who was in a wheelchair, being pushed by his mother.  i tried my best to not be too obvious as i couldn't take my eyes off of them.  her son had many physical ailments as he sat there completely dependent on his mother.

my thoughts went further as i wanted to think of how her days were.  what she did, how they ate, how she had time to clean or to even shower.  she probably didn't have much time on her own.  i began to think of how my life could have been if my first son isaac would have lived.  i was preparing to tend to a child who would never be able to walk; needing my assistance all day and night.  i kept thinking what better of a person i would have been.  here i am thinking my days are hard and full juggling all i do but what would it have been?  i thought this mother and her husband must be incredible people to be given such a struggle but more than that, a blessing.  was i saved from this or was isaac spared the physical pain for a greater purpose?  since the day my ex-husband and i found out he would be physically challenged to watching him die in our arms to the days after his passing of being a mother but baby-less, at his funeral,  until this day it has caused pain emotionally but i have found reasons.  reasons of why isaac passed on and how it has made me a better person.  hopefully i can be that person that someone who has lost their child can turn to, or be there for a mother who has watched their child die or just an person who can aid in giving some strength to when others are of need.

i  understand why i am not that mother i saw in line.  i have a different story than her.  i will be given challenges and blessings in other forms.  i think those parents who have children of disabilities are blessed souls.  their worth must be so great.

as jackson's world is becoming more clear, his understanding for life is making more sense as he verbalizes it. i have told him about his big brother isaac.  i showed him pictures of isaac after he was born and showed him the video. i couldn't help but tear up watching jackson look at isaac and turn his head on some of the pictures.  jack said he looked like him.  he wanted to hold his "baby brother" and kiss his face.  about weekly he will ask me to see a picture of his brother.  it is so humbling to know that he loves his brother and that isaac has become a big part in his little life already.

the reason i am bringing this up now is i received a call from my best friend from childhood last week.  she has the cutest twins that i have been lucky enough to watch grow.  the day after they were born, i got to hold them.  then when they came home from the hospital, i took a night where i watched them both so she could get a full night's rest.  i remember thinking how life would be like with twins and feeding and sleeping.  how selfless a mother would have to be.

she was in arizona with her family for a graduation.  her twin boys were walking and daniel fell over joseph.  daniel broke his femur and they had to rush him to the hospital.  unfortunately i wasn't near my phone when she called but she left me a message i will never forget.  knowing my friend jess was watching her son be in pain just killed me.

they came home from the hospital in phoenix and are experiencing life after as daniel is in a half body cast from his midrift down.

after school, i went over to help so she and her husband could have a few hours of alone time at dinner.  she instructed me on how to hold him, how to feed him and what he needed.

i took the babes around the neighborhood.  daniel was so sweet.  i kept thinking if he was in pain or if he needed something, i hope i'll know what to do.

(i tried my best to get a picture of his little cast)

we walked over to the fountain and i gave the boys coins to throw into the water.  jackson wished that dan would heal quickly.  it made dan dan so happy.

we kept walking, getting fresh air and daniel made his little signature face!

it was so hard for me to see him in pain.  at dinner he wanted to play with the boys or move but he couldn't.  he kept spilling from the food in his mouth but found it difficult to fix things.  he dealt with his situation so well.  he wanted me to hold him most of the night.  it was so sweet.  even though this night was only a few hours, i am so grateful to have had them.  i have so much more respect for mothers with children with disabilities.  they are so dependent on you.  it made me want to be a better person.  it was a reminder of how easily something we take for granted, can so easily be changed.

i love experiences like this.
puts you in the right place when you didn't notice you needed it.

4 lovely notes:

Me said...

Just what i needed to hear. thank you.

Annie Cristina said...

This post made me teary. You are such a wonderful mother, friend, and person. :-)

Sarah said...

Beautiful post Melissa. I agree completely. It was so sweet for Jackson to randomly tell me about his baby brother. I was a little shocked but he did it in such a cute way, that only a kid can. He told me he doesn't want Isaac to grow, just to stay little.

Skye said...

Beautiful words. I frequenlty think the same sort of stuff. It's really hard to say much more. You impress me!


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