blackbird chirped yes

Listening to: Mouthfull of Diamonds

Phantogram

here is that post that maybe won't make much sense to anyone, or maybe no one. those posts that i feel naked at the end. not any kind of naked but the kind of naked you dreamt about in high school where you show up to school without clothes and you are stuck in a massive group of people all starring at you to see what you are going to do about it.  people who know me best might tell me i was too raw; too honest.  its one of those nights that i just need to free-hand-type-write out my thoughts and not worry about grammar and what people will think about me.

How has life been lately?  Oh man.  It has been interesting.  Lots of highs. i'm in a good spot.  Too many highs for me to be use to.  Where is the fall?  Where is the big - just kidding... life is going to get complicated again?  or is this where things begin to ease up a little?  i remember when things felt the thickest, my dad told me something i will never forget... it only gets busier from here.
...tuckered out all the time but no sleep...

no more.  i can sleep finally and i sleep a lot.  i always have a lot going on, but now i can finally feel like i can really breathe.  i use to be a planner, do other's finances, plan other's lives, outfits, solve problems, etc... then my life went through a "set" similar to those of the shore of the ocean.  a surfer knows it best.  you sit on your board waiting for a set.  when it comes, you paddle hard, turn your board, paddle harder, jump up with both feet and ride the wave.  i did that throughout my life really well.  then i hit a reef (so to speak) and when i came up for air, i found another wave hitting my face before oxygen.  then recovering from that wave and needing that clean air that i craved, unexpectedly another even larger wave hit my face.... so on, and so forth.  i was given a little break to get back on my board but before paddling so to speak, i was hit with another set of waves.

now this storm has come to a calm. a calm that has lasted so long, i am just thinking it's time to paddle in...

it makes me believe that i am ready.

ready for that transition to change.  i am basically armored for anything.  i feel like if i was thrown a curve ball, i wouldn't blink, i would open my eyes wider to know how to catch it from any side.  bring it on.  i can handle it.                ....okay but really this break has been incredibly nice so i'm cool with no curves. thanks...

people often times hit me with {men in general} "you are so independent, where would i come in the picture?"... um hello... i live with my mom and dad.  yes my personality is very independent. i feel completely comfortable showing up to a party by myself, can use the public restroom in the ghettos of santa ana - with pepper spray without a group of girls, pick out my own outfits by myself, shop super quick because i hate shopping, travel by myself, etc etc, but really i like people.  i like having a special someone.  it's been a weird funk i've been in.  i was talking to my sister about this the other day.  we were talking about ever since i was allowed to date, i have had a boyfriend.  the second that boyfriend didn't work out, i had another, then another, then married... then now single.  single in a weird awkward way.  dating a lot.  maybe i am making up for all the time i was always in a relationship.  i missed out on going on those marathon dates i heard about or where you go on a breakfast, lunch and dinner date with all different people in one day.  but hey, let me tell you... it's fun yes, but this hill is steep and i'm going down it quickly.  this independence or small relationships lasting only 6 months tops has been so unlike me.  however, i must say i have been very untrusting.  there i said it.  they say when you go through trauma or a huge break-up you need to heal.  i guess this time has been healing time and i can't just wave my magic wand since i'm healed and ready for the right one to come along.  or the couple that i have dated in the past that could potentially be the right ones but sadly i totally blew it.  if only it would be normal for a girl to call a guy {this is my world - not the present world} and confess her true love.  how much that guy meant to her and how she should have showed it; instead she {i} was worried and over protective.

this sister and also friends have mentioned how great i am when i was married.  how it is my calling in life next to being a mom.  this sounds like a plea to get married.  no no.  please don't take it that way.  i just see dating these days as full of awkward conversations at times, guys expecting girls to not be old-fashioned, not really dating the girls, thinking texting is better than phone calls, getting less eye contact and full of untrust.  which all equals to me: poor communication.  being married previously i know that if you establish a playing field of games and weird communication habits, you set yourself up for failure.  

okay off my soapbox...

so back to things i'll soon regret i typed... i have been on a lot of really fun dates.  it seems like the blind dates are spicier, the set-up dates aka: referrals... have been sweeter, the guys i have been going out with are more blunt, more creative, more humble, more something.  i don't know.  or maybe my perspective has changed?  i do know that i am getting close to something good.  yes, possibly committing in the near future.  letting someone in me and jackson's life for reals.  i once again, am ready. 

with all of that said... i must sleep on this and possibly wake up in the middle of the night deleting it.  who am i kidding, this isn't a personal journal. plus who cares?  i am a single mom with feelings.