tonight jackson helped me put together his valentines.
we had a fun day today... after school we browsed the dollar isle at target, he had an icee, he told me stories about life and his take on it so far, we went outside and rode bikes, he played with his friend Ryan outside, we made dinner, hung out with elise, drew and baby Finn and then we made these. it was so cute to see his face light up when i would write one of his classmate's names on the bag label or when i asked him to help stuff the bags with swedish fish. he got excited to write his name, fill more fish up for his closer friends, make sure his little crush had the best one...
it was also a good bonding moment that i will never forget.
every day he continues to grow in different ways and don't want to miss these times where i can see the man he is going to become. that foreshadowing is so thrilling to see as it unfolds.
there is a great movie that i like... called, "the odd life of timothy green"... i have seen it a few times now and that it was written pretty well. the premise of the story are about these parents who cannot have a child. one night, they write down all the qualities and characteristics their child would have if they could conceive. things like being a great soccer player, love, creativeness, etc. the sci-fi aspect could deflect what the moral of the story is, but i liked how all the things they wrote about what their child be like, acts as if it is a leaf on timothy's leg that falls off when it occurs.
i liked this movie also for the fact that his boy reminds me a little bit of jackson. he is tender, he is sweet, he is loving, he is soft spoken, he is playful, he is non-judgemental and many more similar traits. i too thought if i were to put all the characteristics in a hole of what i would hope or expect my child to be like, he has taken on the important ones flawlessly. when you put your blood, sweat, and tears into something worth it and so special to you, it makes it even better when you see your child appreciating it not by thanking you but by doing what he has learned. sometimes i think of the countless sleepless nights nursing, tending to his needs, jack so dependent on me for survival. as months turn into years, i have felt needed in other aspects of his life and as his mind is filled with more information and his body getting bigger. i hope someday he can look in the mirror and remember who he was in these formative years and recognize that same face filled with freckles, missing teeth, funny nose scrunchies and round cheeks. i hope someday when life may throw him a curve-ball, that he can remember what i have taught him about strength, courage, lack of fear, honor, respect, endurance, flexibility, and conquer anything. if he forgets, i am still keeping that journal i have been updating for him since before he was born about how to never forget these important characteristics.
tomorrow is something bigger than i have ever faced. without getting too personal but still holding tight to the human aspect, i decided i don't want to forget these feelings i had so i would record them somewhere. possibly as a measure of when times may get tough, that i could reflect on the strength i feel now, or just to simply remember it so i can really appreciate the times when life becomes more normal. the best way to describe how i feel today would be how maybe the people that were sent to the gas chambers during the holocust felt. they may have heard of the chambers being just a shower or a deadly gas but they had to go in regardless. i am confident it will be water tomorrow since there isn't a good enough reason to be the gas. it's all up to the i have so many people who love us, praying for our little family at this time. i am extremely grateful for all of these family members and friends all over the US who have reminded me of their thoughts and prayers. i have found a silver lining in each one of my trials, especially in this one.
"Morning without you is a dwindled dawn."
-- Emily Dickinson
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